Saturday, March 8, 2014

Kris Is Lost In the Galaxy [An Exclusive Exo-M Interview]

Since I did an entirely fake interview with Exo-K, it is only fitting that I do one with their Chinese counterpart, Exo-M, as well. No, I did not chase them down in their hotel. The interview this time is more relaxed, conducted in a peaceful environment.

*insert talk show theme song*
*theme song fades*

Chen: Why are we at a zoo?
Me: Ssh, ssh, baby. Let me do my intro first.
Luhan: Intro?
Me: Welcome to Ria Lee's Shabby Talk Show, the shabbiest talk show - 
Chen: I'm calling Baekhyun. *gets up*
Me: So, Exo-M, how does it feel like for you Koreans to be promoting in China?
Kris: We have FOUR Chinese members.
Me: *giggles* I know, just wanted to hear you say that.
Lay: What is going on?

Tao: Let's leave. *stands up*
Me: The exit's covered with bugs. The clean up will probably take about an hour.
Tao: *sits back down*
Me: Xiumin, don't be shy. I think I'll start the interview with you. Rev your engine up a bit, huh? Get you all warmed up.
Xiumin: ...k.
Me: How does it feel like to be the sole person who managed to make Lulu dump all his bishes just to be with you?

Luhan: What now?
Xiumin: ??
Kris & Lay: Luhan, what about me?
Tao: Bitch. Wait, so you've really dumped Sehun? Good...good.
Me: Luhan, what is it that attracted you to this steaming hot, adorable baozi? His steamed "buns"? *wiggles eyebrows*

Luhan: ...I don't understand this...
Me: Oh, Chen's back! 
Chen: Baekhyun wants me to tell you you're insane. Also, your name is still written wrong. *points to shabby sketchbook acting as talk show sign*
Lay: Ooh, Luhan's very good with Hangul. Let him show you the correct way to write it.
Me: Lulu?
Luhan: I wanna go home...

Tao: Let's go.
Me: The cakes will be here in two minutes.
Tao: Everybody sit down.
Me: Tao, is it true now that you've drained Kris's savings account, you're moving on to a new victim?

Tao & Kris: What?!
Me: Oh, my bad. Read wrongly. Let's see, now that you've made Krissy buy you all the Gucci bags in the world, you're leaving him for Sehun. *looks up* You sure about this? That bitchface maknae is one of the stingiest people I've ever met, both Exo-K maknaes are. I say you should aim for Suho.
Lay: They already are together. Tao just wants to be with Sehun the photogenic ulzzang so they can bitchface together in selcas.

Me: Kris, you okay there?
Kris: *murmuring to self* I'm not here, I'm not here. I'm in the galaxy, galaxy, oh~
Me: Xiumin, any thoughts?
Xiumin: ...
Me: Thank you. Chen, do you prefer being called an orange or a camel?
Chen: Pass.
Me: Do you think you're the best singer in Exo and no one even comes close to your rank?
Chen: Pass.
Me: Whose jawline is sexier, yours or Kai's?

Chen: Pass.
Me: Well, you're no fun. Aren't you supposed to be tons of fun? You're part of the Beagle Line trolls after all... Okay then, Lulu~
Luhan: Me?
Me: Yes, you, cute little doe-eyed deer you~
Luhan: Manly, please. Not cute.
Me: Xiumin, do you think Luhan is manly?
Xiumin: Yes.
Me: In bed?
Luhan: Trick question! Don't answer that!
Xiumin: ??

Me: Well, I do think your voice is manly. Ooh, I love love love you with dark hair. Can you please dye your hair dark again? And you're so hot when you're playing sports *fans self*.
Lay: Ooh, Suho told me about this. Is this the part in your interview where you tell each of us about our attractive qualities?
Me: Do I have to? I don't really have anything to say about Chen...
Chen: ...

Me: I kid! But let me start from you Laynicorn~
Luhan: Because he suggested it?
Me: That. And he was my first love.
Lay: Was?
Me: You see, during Exo's Endless-Teasers Era, I was attracted to Kai. But after your "Beautiful" teaser came out, I flipped my table, then fell head-over-heels in love with you.

Kris: Why not me?
Me: Oh, you're back. Gods like you are not my style, Krisus.
Lay: You said "was"?
Me: I almost ignored Exo-K because I was too busy with Exo-M, or to be precise with you and your dimple. And Lulu. And Krissy.
Kris: I knew it.
Me: But Lay's pictures still took up most of my hard drive. Until today I haven't finished sorting them out. And then one day, after Growl came out...I fell for Kai again. So - sorry laynicorn, now you're just number two like the rest of them. But I still think your face is very, very fucking beautiful. And those sexxay moves onstage? Don't ever stop.

Lay: Aww, thank you. And it's okay, as long as you still love and support Exo.
Me: Can I poke your dimple?
Lay: Please don't...
Me: Luhan. You have a beautiful face, beautiful lips, beautiful eyes. You're my precious Lulu doll~
Luhan: Manly?

Me: Moving on, Krease.
Kris: Look, I tried my best to teach Chanyeol how to pronounce my name but even my own English sounds ghetto fabulous so...
Me: I feel you, bro. God, you are one fucking hot god. Now, I don't know what is it about you Exo kids but whenever you slick your hair back like that - any twelve of you - my ovaries explode like Mt. Vesuvius over Pompeii.

Luhan: I don't think that's very good comparison.
Kris: You're not talking about my looks.
Me: Sorry, it's just that with your hair right now..dayyuuummm.

Kris: *smug smile*
Me: Well, I'm fucking in love with your whole face especially your chin and your eyes, yes, including your eyebrows. Now Chen -
Kris: That's it?

Me: *nods* Chen, I love your voice.
Chen: Really? [like, "mad" really, not "happy" really]
Me: I kid! I..uhm..cheekbones, I love your cheekbones! And that jawline, and those eyelashes~
Chen: Move along.
Me: Okay, but just so you know, I would definitely choose you as a model for beauty shots because cheekbones like those are gold in the modeling world.
Chen: *smiles*

Me: I almost forgot, I love your smiley-sides. Adorable~ Okay, Xiumin. I am in love with your beautiful eyes!!! My goodness I just wanna poke 'em, so big and prettay~ And your cheeks *squishes*. You are so cute and prettay~~
Xiumin: *smiles*
Me: Question for XiuHan. Does it bother you that the three maknaes look more like the sexxay hyungs of Exo while you two - the real hyungs - look like the aegyo-filled maknaes?
XiuHan: *sigh*
Me: Last but not least, Taotao~ Your beautiful eyes may be saddled with eyebags as dark and heavy as sand dunes but with make-up on, they are freakishly gorgeous. Your face looks like the gods referred to anime sketches while making it. Your lips. Damn, your lips. Also, the way you strut - work it! If Chen is my beauty shot model, you are my runway model.

Tao: Thank you. Where are the cakes?
Me: What cakes?
Exo-M: ...
Me: Well, thank you for your time. Here are some bamboo shoots. You can go feed the pandas while waiting for your manager to come. He should be here at closing time. 
Kris: What? And where are you going?
Me: Ooh, you wanna date?~~ But I have another group to stalk - interview - so I have to rush now. Lay, I love you! Thank you everyone! Byeee~~~~ *runs off*
Exo-M: ...
Lay: So who was that again?


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